Hey you! Yeah you! Are you sick of paying hefty gym membership dues? Don’t have time to work out every day? Bad weather got you staying inside yet again?
Have I got the solution for you. It won’t help you to open a jar of olives with a greater degree of ease, but it will make you feel plenty tired. Are you ready? Let’s get started with the Parent’s Daily Workout Regimen!
ARMS: Put your incrementally fatter baby in the car seat and travel down the stairs to the daily car ride. For extra calorie burning fun, forget your keys and run back up the stairs before going down again. Repeat.
BACK: Build your back strength by forgoing a standard changing table and just put a changing pad on top of a short dresser. Feel the burn in no time.
LEGS: Pace, pace, pace, pace. Back and forth. Bounce, pace, bouncepacebouncepace. Also, don’t forget that you can do a lot with your legs in lieu of having your hands available, such as close doors, move furniture and herd dogs.
EYES: Train yourself to see in the dark, well enough to change a diaper or make a bottle without turning on so much as a nightlight. You won’t even have to get bitten by a radioactive animal to acquire these skills!
EARS: Hone your hearing to be able to pick up the faintest change in breathing, shuffling or other noise that the average human just doesn’t find interesting.
FACIAL MUSCLES: What’s the matter? Does your charming smile fail to entertain and appease the baby? You will quickly learn to contort your face in ways to make Jim Carrey jealous.
VOCAL CHORDS: Oh, you thought that those silly faces came without equally silly noises? Guess again. Also, if you never thought you would find yourself narrating your every movement for learning’s sake… welcome to parenthood.
Phase One (Baby Calisthenics) is a prerequisite for Phase Two (Toddler Martial Arts) and Phase Three (Teenager Meditation).
Hurry! This offer is for a limited time only!