The Emotional Leeway of Babies

Oh, man. If Lucie were an adult, she would not get away with half of the things that she does now.

Could you imagine having a conversation with someone when they suddenly decide they are done with you and kick you in the face? Granted, a baby foot is significantly smaller and cuter than an adult foot, but a jab is a jab, am I right? Now imagine that person laughing as a result of your surprised reaction. That is what we refer to as borderline personality disorder.

Now picture sitting next to someone on the bus who is very content, perhaps even to the point of a smile. Suddenly, that stranger breaks down and starts to scream and cry for no apparent reason. Arms flailing, legs kicking, grabbing at their clothes and shoving their fist into their mouth. You would move seats, right? Do so quickly, before their nose runs even more than it already is.

Would you stay friends with someone who took every opportunity to burp or sneeze in your face? What if I told you that if I don’t want to spend all night patting Lucie on the back, I just sit her in front of me and I know she will belch immediately. In my face.

Good thing she’s a baby who can get away with this otherwise socially inappropriate behavior. For now.

Wacky times call for wacky measures
Wacky times call for wacky measures

PS- Happy Belated Birthday to Anders Cole Brown!

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The Checklist

Congratulations! You have another mouth to feed. Have you:

– built up a savings account?

– created a living will?

– named back up guardians?

– adopted your child (if a second parent)?

– solidified your partnership (if applicable) via marriage or civil union?

– started a college savings plan?

– obtained life insurance?

– re-prioritized your budget?

– updated beneficiaries?

– prepared for employment benefits changes (flex spending accounts, coverage, etc.)?

– considered disability insurance?

This list was brought to you by your blogging anal-retentive new parent/financial planner.

How to change a cloth diaper (seven times)

Okay, bring it on. I'm ready for next time.
Okay, bring it on. I’m ready for next time.

Diaper #1: Place diaper under the baby, fold, clasp with Snappi(TM) closure and… wait. Of course Lucie would pee; she just woke up. Duh. My bad, let’s try again.

Diaper #2: Place diaper under the baby, fold, clasp with… oh no. It’s the pffffft noise. Okay, I’ll stand here, hold the diaper and wait for a minute while she finishes.

Diaper #3: I think she’s done. Place diaper under the baby. She’s not done.

Diaper #4: Backup diaper for overflow. Seriously. Maybe one portrait orientation and one landscape.

Diaper #5: Okay then. Place diaper under the baby… and quickly wrap over all possible openings because she’s smiling that evil little smile that means t-r-o-u-b-l-e! Capital T. Call out to Mama K that it’s not funny because she is snickering in the other room, enjoying her toast at a leisurely breakfast pace.

Diaper #6: Oh. My. Gosh. Remind me to take out the trash. Also, I’m silently admiring my mom, who did this, but did not have the luxury of throwing diapers into a bag for Tidee Didee to take away and wash each week. Oops, she peed again.

Diaper #7: Place diaper under the baby, fold, clasp with Snappi(TM) closure, snap diaper cover over diaper and find a secure place for the baby while you strip the changing table linens.

This photo was taken last week, but it was definitely a sign of things to come…

Look out below... (an actual photo taken outside of my office)
Look out below… (an actual photo taken outside of my office)

Indoctrination

We’re pretty stressed about having to choose a good neighborhood for prime matriculation. Luckily, after prep school, Lucie has a couple of good inside tracks with her mamas’ alma maters. If she likes the Pacific NW, she can join Mama K’s super smartie pants (pantses?) at Lewis & Clark College. Otherwise, there’s the fun challenge of lake effect snow and salted roads in Ann Arbor.

Thrilled with her educational prospects. Or maybe just tickled to be sitting on the table.
Thrilled with her educational prospects. Or maybe just tickled to be sitting on the table.

I just read that Madonna is sending her daughter to her alma mater, Michigan. Do you suppose Madonna is a member of the Alumni Association, or gets gets good seats to the football games? I bet she can still do a pretty rad keg stand with those super-toned arms of hers.

Sure... you can turn it around like a cape. Why not?
Sure… you can turn it around like a cape. Why not?

No pressure for Lucie to be an astronaut, but it would be a fun way to make the famous alumni list.

So proud to be a Wolverine. Until football season rolls around, that is.

So long, farewell

…Auf weidersehen, adieu. Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you. These are the things I no longer need at this point in time:

1. The Fandango app What’s a movie?

2. Necklaces “Oh, no no no nononono. Let go, Baby. Come on…”

3. Magazine subscriptions Or anything in the category of “leisure.”

4. Alcohol Holding a sweet baby is great stress relief, and living with a baby will cause all the drowsiness a person can take.

Look out for the cobwebs, Kiddo.
Look out for the cobwebs, Kiddo.

5. Fancy, scented hand lotion The last time I washed my hands this frequently was when I was in food service. When I attempt to relieve my dry skin, I’m going straight to industrial strength, quasi-medical hand cream.

6. Season tickets to anything Imagine adding a $10/hour tax onto the price of your admission. That’s called babysitting.

We’re laughing “with” you

Don’t get me wrong. I think of our dear blog readers as family, following along with our follies and failures, milestones and migraines, whining and winning. However, for the sake of domestic bliss and/or public decency (or simply because I didn’t have a recording device handy), there are certain things that I cannot or do not share/document/divulge. You will never see a video of Lucie slowwwwwly winding up and then thunking her fist against Mama K’s breast while she is eating. Though this entertains me to pieces, it’s just not for public consumption. That said, not everyone has a filter. Proceed to Awkward Family Photos!

This may or may not be Lucie's donor. (It's not, but what a fun story that would be.)
This may or may not be Lucie’s donor. (It’s not, but what a fun story that would be.)

Let’s just say…

Pretend you are a bright young lady who beats out hundreds of applicants to land a great job at a reputable institution. You work hard, rarely call in sick, continually offer to stay late for departmental coverage and earn two promotions in just four short years. Your annual reviews are always positive. You have many friends at work and even keep in touch with those who have moved on. You have amassed a folder full of accolades from your former supervisors as well as representatives of other departments.

After checking all of the policies and procedures of your employer, you decide to have a baby. Ever the diligent employee, you wobble into work right up until the day of your delivery (on a Saturday, no less, so as not to disrupt the work week). Three months later you resume work after taking a federally protected unpaid leave. But something feels different…

One day, three weeks into your return, you have a conversation with your manager who tells you (with minimal eye contact and sparse communication since your return) that not only are your supervisory duties being rescinded, but also your pay. By 15%. Fifteen percent.

That conundrum about daycare? Solved. Call it the sign you’ve long been awaiting. You can now put in your two week’s notice and start writing that letter to HR.