A Costco Field Guide (to be read in a British voice)

Though it is more common to spot a matris soccerus (soccer mom) or Asianus hoarderus (Asian stockpiler) in the aisles of a Costco Warehouse, an astute researcher may be lucky enough to experience a rare sighting of the parens novum (new parent). This species is usually restricted to the comfortable confines of their own dwelling– a shame because their bumbling frustration is often a treat for observers to take in.

Unfortunately, it does not monetarily benefit researchers to “camp out” at a Costco in hopes of catching the new parent at work (remember, [time at Costco] x [merchandise viewed] = [dollars lost]). However, if already at the behemoth superstore, keep your eye out for traits of the new parent. Notably, look for its subspecies, matris katum (Mama K) and her counterpart, matris cathycus (Mama C):

1. New parents pull up to the the Costco warehouse with zero trunk space because their offspring accoutrement already takes up most of the vehicular storage. This is counterintuitive, as everyone knows that Costco carries not singular boxes of product, but packs of no less than 16. Nevertheless, the new parents push onward.

2. The offspring’s fuzzy head bobs up and down in its pouch-like carrier, in synch with Mama K’s over-exaggerated bouncy steps. Scientists believe this to be an attempt to placate the ever volatile temperament of the young human, with a success rate hovering around 39.4%.

3. When the new parents get separated because an item was forgotten a few aisles back, the parent carrying the offspring can continue traveling, as the sound of the wailing baby will lead the more mobile parent back to the family unit in no time.

4. Notice the squirming child in its carrier, trying to defy constraints and general principles of safety. The young species squints her eyes and amazingly sounds as though her fist isn’t shoved wrist-deep into her mouth. This is a true testament to the Noise Blockage Counter-argument: despite a physical blockage, noise will persist as though there were no blockage. If in a public setting, the noise is actually amplified.

5. The fact that the offspring tries to gum anything within mouth’s reach indicates that the new parents indeed brought their child to Costco during a feeding time. Since providing sustenance occurs every three hours, this is not hard to predict. Still, it is possible to forget/ignore/hope otherwise.

6. When all else fails, a handoff is made when the baby carrier is unlatched and observers can see that the baby is without pants. In fact, the new parents thought they could “run in quickly” to Costco (see article on “Fallacies of the Impossible”) without anyone knowing that they had brought their baby in her sleepwear. Since Costco closes in a matter of minutes, it makes sense why the new parents would throw everything together for a last minute trip, but it does not excuse the behavior.

In closing, society should not judge the new parent, as it is not a lack of love that hinders their success, but a force of habit from days of a childless existence. Rather, people should be entertained and possibly cautioned by the follies of the clueless new parent.

Keep calm and carry on.

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