To Whom it May Concern:
This is Luciana Roe Requardt, future middle manager of any corporation that will have me. I will be the finest boss you have ever seen, drawing from such sources as “Dilbert”, “The Office” and Office Space for inspiration.
Here are the qualities I possess as a one-month-old that will transfer seamlessly to middle management:
1. Two words: arbitrary demands. Just when my employees (the Mamas) think they have a plan, I come in and “suggest” something entirely different. Thought it was bedtime? I’d like to go another direction…
2. It may seem like I’m staring mindlessly at my mobile (that thing hanging from the ceiling, not a cell phone, you nut), but I’m taking in everything you say and do. Storing it all up for later…
Or maybe I am staring mindlessly. So sue me. I’m entitled to a little “me” time.
3. This gal likes the perks. Toys and gadgets and plaid diaper covers! That’s what I’m talking about.
4. Just when the workforce is on its last legs, I recharge them with a simple smile. That random reinforcement works wonders, I tell you.
5. Jargon is my specialty. Not so much acronyms and esoteric ideas, but rather a nuanced language with the power to keep ’em guessing (see #1).
6. I can create immense paranoia with the silent stare. What’s my mood? What am I hoping for? What’s wrong? Am I gearing up for a meltdown?
7. Encouraging multi-tasking is my specialty. You were born with two hands for a reason.
8. Teamwork is a must for me. From midnight feeding hand-offs to napping rotations, the only way to work for me is to divide and conquer.
9. I excel at motivating people to meet deadlines. Think this is going to be a leisurely bath? A couple of warning toots will get things going faster than you can say “poo in the water.”
10. Speaking of which, I literally make people deal with my s**t. Clean up on aisle 4!