I reach out to a lot of moms for advice, and during a particular conversation with one of my favorite gurus, I was cursing whomever came up with the light-colored diaper cover. I mean, seriously? Why did anything other than black seem like a good idea. She agreed, and said that newborn onesies should only come in mustard yellow. I suppose formula-fed tan would be the color of choice if not breastfeeding.
So that got my capitalist wheels turning to produce this list of baby products I would pay for in a heartbeat (some more feasible than others):
1. Pacifier strap. I’m talking Bill Laimbeer face mask style. Take that, Gravity.
2. Infant sized foam helmet. I swear I could have two hands on Lucie and a stack of pillows below us and she will find a way to slam her little baby skull onto something unexpected, like my chin or her fist.
3. Fluid sensor with alarm function. More than once I’ve been in the midst of changing a dirty diaper when the aftershock catches me by surprise. Not fair. Also, though my dry cleaner undoubtedly enjoys the extra business, it’s difficult to keep a supply of suits around that don’t have spit up on them.
4. Ventilated car seat. Seriously, how has this not been invented yet?
5. Baby cry-o-pedia. At one month old, there are, like, five things you could possibly want. How is it that I am so confused all of the time?
6. Breastfeeding buzzer. Let me explain: Lucie does this thing we call “sleeting”, which is her way of s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g out her feeding via a cycle of sleeping and eating. This is not a big deal at 1:00 PM. This is a big deal at 1:00 AM. I would slap down my AmEx for a gentle buzzer that reminds her to keep going every time she dozes off. Because let’s face it, sometimes we don’t catch her sleeping because we’ve dozed off as well.
7. Harry Potter style time turner. I want to say it’s for posterity–to re-live the best moments of Lucie growing up. But really it’s so I can just rewind her sleeping moments and catch some z’s at the same time.
8. Sound proof bassinet. Is that mean? I would use it sparingly, I swear!
9. Corgi saddle. Because the Yorkie is just too small to ride.