1. Remember that she’s the boss. Does she want to buy a brand new “birthing skirt” just to throw away when the water breaks? Done. Are you watching the puppy channel during contractions because it makes her feel better? Yes, yes you are.
2. Keep the Rocky references to the minimum, even though they’re totally true. Sure, you are literally putting the towel on the back of her neck and giving her water through a sports bottle between pushes, but you are totally annoying if you mention this movie more than once. You are probably totally annoying anyway because she’s giving birth and you’re not.
3. Take the abuse. She may not call you mean and awful things during labor, but she will definitely cause you discomfort if you are within reach. She is currently, well, you know… and you are simply a bit hungry because this has been going on for 4 hours and it’s insensitive to step away for a bite.
Exhibit: 2-day old heel print
4. Put your gosh darn phone down. Not just during the Big Event, either. She pushed a basketball through a coke bottle and you’re at the beck and call for the next 168 hours. Sleepy? Too bad, at least you can walk normally.
5. Suspend judgement. Has the same woman who is brought to tears when she stubs a toe elected to go without an epidural, at least to start? Fine choice, Love. Does her swaddling look like the newborn did it herself during a hurricane? No, it doesn’t.
So there you go. Maybe a decent guide to relationships, overall. Except the Rocky references, which are fair game anytime outside of the delivery room.