The Newlymoms

Oh, not that… not yet.  But here’s a little game we played at our baby party (it’s hard to call a co-ed gathering at a bar a “shower”), in addition to Heritage Jeopardy and Price is Right.  We called it the Newlymoms and sat on stools with our answer cards as our friend channeled the spirit of the great Bob Eubanks.

The Newlymoms Game

 1. My first thought when I learned we were pregnant was:

K: “We finally read the ovulation stick correctly!”

C: “What are we going to do with the rest of the ovulation tests?”

2. My biggest worry for the first three months is:

K: Will I be able to tell what she wants/needs?

C: That I’ll be caught in public without an extra diaper for the baby

3. My favorite thing about pregnancy up to this point has been:

K: Feeling the baby move

C: Getting a head start on teaching life lessons

4. I would be crushed if our child:

K: Was not willing to try new things

C: Was allergic to animals

5. If I had to pick a celebrity donor for the baby, it would be:

K: Justin Timberlake

C: Warren Buffet

6. I hope our girl becomes a:

K: Well rounded, independent thinking individual

C: Productive member of society

7. One thing I did as a kid that I hope our child doesn’t repeat is:

K: Opted out of piano lessons when offered

C: Find out the truth about Santa Claus by snooping for presents

8. I am horrified our child will ask me to teach her:

K: How to dance or sing

C: How to do her makeup

9. One thing I will never, ever buy my daughter is:

K: Anything featuring Elmo or Sponge Bob

C: A pet spider

10. I hope my child learns the value of:

K: Education

C: Generosity

11. My first word as a child was:

K: Not on record

C: “No”

12. I would love to expose my child to the music of:

K: Her various heritages

C: Boys II Men

13. I would not be disappointed if my child grew up to be:

K: a professional athlete

C: a nun

A puppy is to a baby as a dog is to a _______

At our baby shower (that our very wonderful friends executed, despite our initial poo pooing), someone who had recently acquired a dog told us: “If you can raise a puppy, you can raise a baby.”  My initial thought was: “Great! I’ve raised two dogs.”  And then I got to thinking…

Chicken, the Yorkie, was a romping little rascal when I got her from a friend.  However, for the first few months (“years” in dog time), a neighbor would help tremendously by letting Chicken out during the day and doing other favors that a owners of a young dog appreciate.  Maybe this is equivalent to human daycare, but it really did take a village to care for our furry child.  I know our friends are amazing, but will they change a diaper for us at 1:00 AM?

Today, despite all rearing efforts, we have not what should be a well behaved adult Yorkie, but a recalcitrant jerk who runs away every chance she gets.   I’m pretty sure the groomers call “not it” when I’m making a haircut appointment.  When we leave the house, she gives a defiant stare before darting into the other room– and NOT the place where she is supposed to go: a gated-off bathroom, replete with dog bed, water, blanket and radio for company.  What’s it called when someone knows the difference between right and wrong but chooses the latter as a default?  Oh right: sociopathy.

Then there’s Tom, the corgi.  He’s adopted (so was I), so I can speak from experience that there is a little bit of an abandonment complex going in his little worried brain.  The neuroses are so apparent that he is literally sleeping with one eye open as I write this.  He is clingy to the point that we must pick him up to move him anywhere away from us and he wears Temple Grandin-like compression clothing to the dog park to keep his bossy outbursts to a minimum.  Also, if there were a punch card at Dove Lewis, the emergency animal hospital, he would probably have his Sunday morning frequent flyer points all ready to cash in for a free ice cream.  As long as it’s not the same foreign substance that causes our visits in the first place.

So… if raising a human is so similar to raising a puppy, then this blog is about to get interesting.

A call to arms

Seven years ago when Kate and I first met, we didn’t see a child in our future.  Then, everything just sort of clicked together like a fine (and sensibly priced) piece of Ikea furniture… Finances, click. Emotional maturity, click. Other friends having babies = advice and hand-me-downs, click.  Social change, click.

Wait– social change?  What did that have to do with having a baby?  Well, back when we first met, there were only a small handful of celebrities who had come out as gay, and our own blue state (Oregon) voted against same-sex marriages, forever writing into its constitution discriminatory verbiage and a hierarchy of love and rights that go with said love.

Fast forward to today and we are privy to momentous waves of political change (though not quite yet in Oregon), anti-bullying policies in schools and workplaces, the “It Gets Better” project, a Pope who thinks there are more important issues in the world, and the list goes on.

There is now actual hope that our child will be picked on for wearing glasses or having a funny haircut (I’ll go ahead and take the future blame for that) rather than getting bullied for having two moms.  If today’s progress portends anything, I feel that it is a bright future in which yes, Google will be engineering our “food” and Teleportation will be the most popular college major, but also when who you love just doesn’t matter.  Unless, Future Teenage Daughter, that person is a slimy punk whose idea of a great date is making out in the back of a hover-car.  Then we might have a problem.

This week I found a great reminder that though humans may not always see eye to eye, we are still… humans.

About Us

imageCathy & Kate are the moms; Chicken is the Yorkie and Tom is the corgi.  Cathy hails from the Midwest and brings with her a sensible, wholesome take on life.  Kate is from Baltimore, and yes, she has seen The Wire.  Kate is carrying the baby because she drew the short straw.  Rather, Cathy pretended to lose her straw when Kate tried to compare.  Baby girl due 3/29/14.

 

The First Nine Months in Pictures

Before we even knew Kate was growing a champion: Whistler, BC
Before we even knew Kate was growing a champion: Whistler, BC
Why even bother? These  hard-to-read tests are mean and they don't care.
Why even bother? These hard-to-read tests are mean and they don’t care.
The idiot-proof version
The idiot-proof version
Duh.
Duh.
Chicken is nonplused
Chicken is nonplused
So sweet at three months
So sweet at three months
No amount of Photoshopping will make this image less disturbing
No amount of Photoshopping will make this image less disturbing
Kate and dogs and a 4-month bump
Kate and dogs and a 4-month bump
Kate's tray table as of the last three months. It's portable, it's handy and it's here for a limited time, only.
Kate’s tray table as of the last three months. It’s portable, it’s handy and it’s here for a limited time, only.
Baby bump being used for the greater good
Baby bump being used for the greater good

Good idea/bad idea

Does anyone remember the show Animaniacs and the segement with that poor stick figure who got to do something that was of good sense… and then something terribly absurd of bad judgement?  Well, apparently I was watching that during my formative years, because it seems to be happening in my non-cartoon life.

GOOD IDEA: trading in a smart car and a 2-door German sports car for a pair of sensible wagon/crossovers

BAD IDEA: selling a 3-bedroom house and moving into a 2-bedroom apartment… on the 3rd floor

*

GOOD IDEA: cloth diaper service (though some friends give us a month on that notion)

BAD IDEA: asking for a Diaper Genie on the registry–thanks for your generous return policy, Target

*

GOOD IDEA: Rockabye Baby CD’s (Madonna, AC/DC and Prince tunes a la xylaphone)

BAD IDEA: Showing toddler music videos for aforementioned artists

*

GOOD IDEA: Upgrading from a full size bed (what some catalogs call “kids” size) to a queen

BAD IDEA: Getting new, expensive white sheets for the new bed right before Baby

*

GOOD IDEA: Working at the hospital where you will give birth

BAD IDEA: Wearing six-inch heels every day through week 39 (to each her own, Kate)

*

GOOD IDEA: Breaking the news to your boss in front of his wife, a client, client’s friend and your partner to guarantee a supportive reaction

BAD IDEA: There is no downside to that– it was a wonderful move fully inspired by House of Cards and now I have four witnesses that heard him tell me: “take all the time off that you need”

It’s worse than Christmas Eve

Mostly because we don’t know when Santa Stork will come!  We are very excited for our baby girl to arrive.  Yep, that makes three of us under one roof.  Plus another female yorkie and a poor, lone male corgi.  No wonder he’s neurotic, but that makes for another blog.

About nine months ago, our third artificial insemination (said with a robot voice) finally took and we were blessed with what I thought, from the ultrasound, were twins.  Turns out it was a jelly bean and its amniotic sac.  My first in a series of rookie blunders… hence the blog.  Mostly to still be able to tell the world about the baby girl without being on the Book of Faces, but also for a little humor in the form of Charlie Chaplin-esque pathos.

Oh yes, and to explain the tagline of this blog: we are very much looking forward to college scholarships in 2032 when we get to parade a multi-ethnic (donor’s heritage includes Japan, Panama, Puerto Rico and Portugal) daughter of two moms past the admissions board for college (if that is still what the kids are doing in 18 years).  This is where I would drop the proverbial mike and saunter off the stage.  Free rides, here we come.  Maybe.image